I love my girls. But we’re far from perfect in our relationship. Yesterday's post makes many things sound rosy. Today is all thorns.
People have posted lately about days they’ve walked through that have been hard recently. And they are right. Each instance was truly something I wouldn’t want to have to deal with, and they did so with amazing strength.
Some people wish they had a toddler to pester them all day. They desperately miss those they’ve lost. They dream of one day having a child who will make a royal mess of the house. I’m blessed with two such beings.
Why is it then that a day like today gets put in the “so darn tough” category in my mind? Why can’t I seem to get this mothering toddlers thing down? What I’m dealing with is so miniscule in comparison to so many others. Yet it FEELS so very hard right now.
The clamoring for my attention just plain wears me down. I’m exhausted. I want to put them each in their cribs and just sit for a while. Why don’t they listen? They know precisely what I’m expecting of them, what I’m telling them to very clearly, and yet they refuse. I can’t believe how often I am physically making one of them do what they have been instructed to do.
I get to the point where if either of them touches me, I want to yell. Not because it’s them, but because I’m sick of being groped, grabbed, and climbed on.
Currently they are in their high chairs, less than 3 feet away, eating “fish crackers” so that I can breathe. I should be cleaning up the living room for the 5th time today or figuring out what in the world I am going to fix for at least 1 of the 4 meals I have to make for dinner. There is nothing in the house to fix for M, and yet I dare not go to the store with them in the state they are today. So I crumble into a chair and decide to type instead, because it’s cathartic. Because these tears of frustration are going to erupt into more yelling and the follow-up guilt if I don’t find a release somehow.
I want to be a mom that never needs to raise her voice. I want to be a mom that says something ONE time with a firm look and gets the desired result. How much time we’d have to play roll-around-on-the-big-bed and read books and play with all the fun toys together if it didn’t take forever to accomplish every tiny little thing!
It’s a moment. It will pass. I know this. But for me, for this little sliver of time, it’s rough.