Really? Two years??

It doesn't seem possible. Two years ago today, we were sitting in the OR waiting room at Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital. Braska was one week past 3 months old. At this time in the afternoon, she had been in surgery for a little over 6 hours, and she still had almost 3 more to go.

A bit of nostalgia...
This was my last pic of her with an uninterrupted chest. I had such a hard time with the idea of her being forever marked. The thought of the details of the day were too much for me, so I completely put them out of my mind.... or so I thought. But I still took this picture for that purpose...


And before we took that long walk down the hall to the doors of the OR. I got in a bit more cuddling. That was the only time I cried that day, as we gave her to the nurse and her daddy and I walked away to go wait with the family. I'm getting teary typing this! How weird is that?!

But look at us now... This is how I spent this morning, two years later. The girls and I sat in the recliner, where we've all three passed alot of time lately due to both of them needing my attention almost constantly the last couple days. Braska loves to just study her sister, touches her sometimes, and give her lots of kisses.


I prefer this morning to that one two years ago. But if it hadn't been for that day, we wouldn't have this day. I look at it as a great reminder of what God has done in our lives. If you look at the individual events, it seems barbaric--how would we allow some stranger to literally open our baby's chest? That's horrendous! But, obviously, when the big picture is seen, it was a very difficult decision, but one that simply had to be made for Braska's life to continue and for her best interest to be upheld.

As I look back at this period of our lives, we were in a very painful place as a little family of three for many reasons. This week not only brought a surgery for our little girl, but it brought a very deep and painful wound to our marriage. I struggled for a long time, and actually still struggle now honestly, to understand why the Lord would allow such a horrible gash to be allowed. How could that possibly be something he could use? But the beauty of His plan is in the whole picture, not the individual elements. That wound was used to bring to light the deeper infection and condition that was hidden below. Though there would be more "surgery" needed before healing could begin, it was part of the process that, with alot of work since, has brought us to where we are today. And that is something for which I'm very thankful.

Thank you, Lord, for seeing us through. Through the waiting. Through the surgery and postop stress and learning. Through the dark times that followed. Thank you for bringing us SO far, for bringing us to this place, for teaching us to trust in ALL things. Let us never ever EVER forget this time and it's lessons. Remind me of these lessons when I focus only on the painful elements of life as we move through the days and years to come. You're in control, and you always want the best for us. For that I am humbled and so grateful. Amen.

If you weren't around back then, please take a minute to check out the post from last year here and look through the links to the posts during our hospital stay. I never want to forget how far we've come and how blessed we've been.

Happy Heart Day to my Braska Bear!

Green means go

Finally the Valentine's Day layout has been replaced... so no pinching allowed!

Can I get a do-over?

If you are in need of a laugh at another's expense, I invite you to read on... really, it's totally ok. I can take it. This might end up long, but I wanna remember this special day. Oh so special...

Today is my first day to have both girls and be on my own. Yeah, it's been two weeks, but I'm apparently slow at learning how to deal with this kind of thing. I knew it would be a challenge, but I thought with starting way early, we could make it. The quick ending is that we did make it...but that's not really the whole story.

Kinlee's been sleeping til about 9 am or so after getting up twice in the night. That's ok, I'm dealing with it. But since Braska is supposed to be at school at 10 am on Mondays, I thought I better not sleep in like I prefer, and instead, I should get up and get things moving earlier to be sure we're on time. Not a problem, since Braska decided to be up twice last night in addition to Kinlee's two times. One time overlapped...so I had to wake M up for a little bit. Then when Kinlee went back down, I dealt with Braska for another hour. I don't know what was up with her... Ah, the digressing that comes with lack of sleep....

Anyway, Braska got up about 8 am, so I got her fed, and headed to the bath with her for a very quick one. Of course as I'm running the water, Kinlee wakes up and lets it be known that she is ready to eat. I manage to get Braska into the tub with Kinlee on my lap, then I opt to put Kinlee in the bouncy while I race through Braska's bath while Kinlee fusses in the other room. After a very quick drying and dressing, Braska watches Sesame Street while I get Kinlee fed. When Kinlee pauses for her two minute nap that's become a habit during meals, I put her back in the bouncy and finish Braska's hair for school. I return to finish with Kinlee, attempted to burp her without success, then put her back down to go get myself dressed. Unfortunately, no shower was to be had in the 25 minutes that were left to get Braska to school 12 minutes away.

I dressed, threw on some makeup, faked a hairstyle, and put Braska's coat and hat on. Kinlee was gonna have to just make the trip in her sleeper. I sat Braska back on the floor, ran to start the car in the garage (yes, I opened the garage first), and came back to pack up Kinlee. When I put picked her up, I noticed that dreaded dark area on her sleeper.... dang it! Time for a diaper and outfit change. We rushed back to her changing table. Off with the sleeper, off with the t-shirt, change the diaper, clean up all over. I put on a new t-shirt and pants, pick her up, and she finally burps....productively. I have spit-up on me, and it's all over her face, but the shirt has been spared. I wipe my shirt enough to not be totally disgusting, I clean her up, and we run back to the living room to get her in the car seat. I take Braska out to the car and put her in, I come back, grab Kinlee's seat with her in it and grab the bags. We all get in the car and head out at 9:53 am. We'll be late, but oh well.

I hit every light as green, which never happens, and we pull into the school lot at 9:59 am. That's awesome! I can't find a spot so I go to the next area, at a different entrance. I'll just have to walk, I can do that. I get out of the car, pop the trunk so I can get the double stroller out, pull it out and open it up. I close the trunk, just as I realize that I had dropped the keys in my purse, not in my pocket as I always do. Who cares, you ask?? Well, my car seems to think that when you close the trunk, you also mean to lock the doors... so it did. In case you're just joining us... I just locked my kids in the car, along with the keys and my cell phone, in the parking lot of Braska's preschool. It's a highpoint for me...

I stood there and just blanked for a second, looking at Braska looking back at me through the window. Then I just said, "NO!" I tried the doors, yep, it's locked. No one was in the parking lot, but I saw Julie's van in the lot I usually use. I decided to run for the entrance and ask the front desk to call Julie in the classroom and ask her to come out. I don't have my keyscan card (it's in my purse too, of course) to get in the building, so I had to buzz and wait for the the lady to let me in. I tried to tell her quickly yet calmly that my newborn and her sister were locked in the car, "Please call to room 201 and ask Julie to come to the parking lot." I don't think she heard me or understood, because she just told me I could go down to the classroom and talk to her, then she gave me directions. I said again that my daughters were in the car and I wanted to go back to the car right away. She wasn't getting it. She offered me the phone, so I started to dial M's phone, but realized quickly that I was closer to the house than he was, and the extra keys were there, not with him. So I said nevermind and headed for the classroom. Luckily, Julie was coming my direction in the long hallway, so I said, " Hey, I need you, like NEED you!" And I turned to go back outside as she sped up and followed me.

She caught up and introduced her brother who was with her. I gave her the rundown quickly, and I asked her to go to my house and get the key. I started to give her the code to the garage when her brother said he would stand by the car and we could go get the key. So that's what we did. I waved at Braska, who was obviously not understanding what was going on, and she was looking like she wasn't going to last long without getting upset.

So we took off for my house. Thankfully, we made good time. I punched in the code, ran in the kitchen, grabbed the key, back out, code in the keypad again, and back in the van. We got back to the school at 10:14 am. I unlocked the doors and grabbed Braska. Kinlee was still snoozing, no problem there. Julie and her brother said they'd stay so I didn't need to mess with taking Kinlee in. I borrowed Julie's keycard, ran into the school with Braska, taking her hat and coat off on the way once inside. We made it to the classroom, I apologized for being late, and the teacher and the aides just said they were surprised that we even tried to make it today. I laughed and said, "Maybe I shouldn't have!" Braska was ready to go, not fazed at all, went right with her teacher and jumped into her school day. Thank goodness for my easy going girls!!!

I got back to the car, Kinlee's still sleeping, I thank Julie and her brother once again. I still can't believe I did that! Now I don't have time for my nap, but that's ok. I've got time to tell you about my fun morning... I hope I don't have a replay of this one any time soon. Make that never!!

Now it's time to head back and pick her up. Note to self: Keep keys in hand at all times!

Happy Monday!!

Feeling berry much better

It's been a long week. And yet it's flown by. How is that possible so often?

First off, thanks to all of you who have called and emailed and commented with encouragement. I really do appreciate it so much. Thank you also to all of you who have sent goodies and gifts, brought or fixed food, and just helped out in various ways.

Special thanks goes to my mom, who spent 10 days of the last 12 here with us. And thanks to Dad and the kids for letting her be away. She went home yesterday, taking Braska with her for a few days. She accomplishes more in a few days around here than I do in weeks. I'm most often not very pleasant when she is around, so she puts up with alot and doesn't complain. Thanks, Mom.

I'm definitely feeling better. I think it's a combination of factors, though I'm not sure what to credit with what element of the improvement. I stopped taking the meds after three days, because it was going to take at least 3 weeks for them to begin to work, and I got the impression that they might be actually causing the anxiety to be a bit worse. (It can be a side effect in the initial period.) Also, after some research and contacts with people--natural remedy experts, pharmacists, etc--Mom went to get some Red Raspberry Leaves (natural supplement), which is supposed to actually help the hormonal imbalance, not just deal with the symptoms of that imbalance. I'm not one to do the natural remedy thing usually, that's no secret. But I was at the point to try anything, and I have to say, from day one that I took the Raspberry, I have not had another bad panic attack. I had some slight periods of feeling anxious, but it was not nearly as bad as it had been this weekend or as it was with Braska. I'm not going to analyze it to death, but if it's working, we're gonna go with it for a while. (I hear this is great for PMS issues as well, so if you want more info, let me know.)

Kinlee is doing great. She is way easy as newborns go, or so I'm told. She's sleeping regularly and eating regularly, more frequently in the day than at night. Last night was my first one by myself since feeling better, and we made it through pretty well. She had a block of 4 hours of sleep and one of almost 5. I cannot complain about that. And M kept her in the evening for a few hours so I could get a nap in before starting the night, just in case. She rarely cries at all, and that may not remain the norm, but I'll take it for now! Last night she slept in her room, in her crib, and did just great. It's right across from our room, so I could hear her when I need to, but I didn't hear all her sleeping noises. That's good, as they keep me awake...every noise wakes me! I really SO do not get how you guys can sleep with a kid in the same room, or for goodness sakes, the same bed!! I'd NEVER get a wink of sleep!

Sunday afternoon we'll meet up with Mom and get Braska. Then we'll start the week all together to see if I can manage to deal with all the "stuff" of our normal weeks with newborn in tow. We shall see...

Hopefully, we're on our way to really finding our new normal very soon. Or should I say... BERRY soon!

Here, sometimes barely

Kinlee's doing great. She's sleeping, she's eating, both at appropriate intervals usually. Overall, things are good.

Unfortunately, but quite honestly, I'm having a hard time with the same things I dealt with after Braska. For those of you that were around then, it's not as bad, but it's not good either. I call it a postpartum anxiety. It's not a depression, it's like panic attacks. Freakouts, if you ask my husband. They just hit out of nowhere on Friday morning, then periodically I get hit again. It's horrible, let me tell you. I can't explain it, but it is no fun. Friday night I wasn't able to sleep one little bit, well, maybe an hour total between all the attempts. I was a total wreck. Saturday I tried to nap several times but couldn't sleep again.

So last night, after having gone home on Friday evening, my mom returned again to help out. I was able to sleep last night, finally, though I haven't been able to nap today. I can't tell you how much I hate this. And the hating it only makes it worse, I think. It's just unnerving to know I'm being crazy and yet I can't do anything about it.

I'd appreciate your prayers for quick passage of this little phenomenon. It took about 10 days with Braska, but I'm hoping it won't hang around as long this time without the other elements of Braska's first few weeks to exacerbate things. I started the low-dose meds on Friday afternoon to help get things evened out, hopefully. There is just nothing more difficult for me than to not be able to control my own reactions to things. The chest pounding, heart racing, trouble catching a breath, total sense of fear, and the other parts are not that enjoyable either.

Hopefully, I'll be back to my old, perky self soon. She shows up for small moments, but I'd rather her hang around more often.

Improvement is nice

She's picked up a bit on the feeding, so that's good. She's been performing biological functions consistently, so that's good.

She's still cute, so that's good, too. There's more info on her blog if you feel the need...oh, and pics are there too, of course.

I'm tired, so it's time to attempt one more feeding and off to bed for a bit.

Late-breaking news...we've found a way to wake her to eat. Give her to her Daddy. She seems to not be so fond.

Hmmmmm...same deal, different daughter

We're home, with the all clear. How are we??

Let's see, does this sound familiar?

Newborn girl. Content to sleep all day and night. Not interested in food. Won't wake to eat. Doesn't wake crying when hungry at night. Doesn't complain for diaper change. Doesn't cry when getting shots.

Yeah. Good times. At least this time there's no heart issue...

All in all, it wouldn't be a bad deal if it weren't for that nutrition and necessary fluid intake thing. We shall see if things improve on the feeding homefront very soon. Otherwise, we'll have to take the next steps.

I'm totally fine with the contentedness and good demeanor, don't get me wrong! Just need to eat enough to sustain. She's down to 6 lb 12 oz. One super skinny little thing, that's for sure, with the 21.5 inches.

We're employing every type of waking trick. It works enough to see the eyes, make her a little whiny, and then about 60 seconds after she is getting food, g'night and thanks for playing.

So we'll see... she's awfully cuddly with all this sleeping, though. That's not so bad.

Day 2 and still smiling

We have had a really good stay and experience here, and that's so nice. We'll be here til tomorrow morning, with M probably going back to work tomorrow. My mom's in town, staying with Braska currently, so she'll be there to help me at home. Braska came up today and was a bit more cordial toward her sister. I'll be putting up some pics on her blog of their little meeting. There are more new pics of Kinlee on her blog. Yes, it's bloggin' nuts. Soon there will be little overlap between blogs...bear with me a little.

I'm feeling pretty good. Not too sore, considering. Pretty tired, but what else is new in this situation? It's so nice to have had great nurses. I'll do the whole "birth story" thing when I can. But a neat little note... the second nurse, who was with us all day Monday and delivery time, has a little boy with DS who is 4, or almost 4...I was delirious so I can't honestly remember. He is purely adorable though!! It made for some fun conversation and just a neat connection.

I'm going to get Braska's pics up and then try a nap while it's quiet. That probably means it won't be quiet for long, right? Oh, and it sounds like it's time for a diaper change...

She's here!

Kinlee arrived this afternoon. She's a peach of a little girl, long and skinny. Things went well, and there are details and pics on her blog at

http://kinleecarene.blogspot.com.

Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement! We're doing very well so far!

Delivery Update

Just got epidural. Feeling much better. Making good progress but no baby yet. Stay tuned. Must sleep.

The gown adds 20 lbs

It's fun to go to the bathroom with all the contraptions. And then my nurse scans my bracelet to see what I'm worth! At least that's what M thought she was doing... no comment on his comment. But seriously...that gown isn't flattering at all.

The IV makes it hard to type, but I'm doing my best to make this labor and delivery as internet/bloggy/geeky as possible. M's across the room with his laptop playing poker and watching shows. We're making this experience special.

But now I should rest... so I'll try.

5 hours and counting

That's when we head to the hospital to start this fun induction process. 7:30pm is when we're to show up and get things going.

Last night we spent about 4 hours up there. Not because there were contractions or pain or anything... nothing so exciting. I'd begun to feel bad around 11 am yesterday, really lightheaded and very weak all over. I couldn't really hold Braska, and just felt like a limp noodle. I slept for a while, rested alot, ate some food, drank water, and decided to call L&D at around 4pm. I am fairly famous, as a patient, for not calling to ask about things and not reporting things I should. So I decided it would be just horrendous to get this far and then have something go wrong when I should have asked or told someone about it.

So I called, my OB was in the L&D area, so I talked to her. She agreed that it didn't sound "pregnancy related" but that we should still probably check it out if it didn't improve. She said to drink some milk and rest for about an hour, see if I felt better, and if not, come in to L&D for a check. They just kept asking me if I'd eaten, since I'd lost another pound this week at my appointment. But I had...really, I had.

At around 5pm, Rach, Skye, and Julia came by and picked up Braska to join them on some girl fun, and M and I headed to the hospital. We were there for a couple hours, then I sent M home. They took blood, had me on the monitors, and I just rested. Dr. N, my OB, decided that if I was ok with going home, that was probably best. Labs were good, BP was ok. I think if I'd have begged, they'd have let me stay and get going a day early on induction, but I was fine to come home and sleep here. She told me to come back if I had any more concerns or symptoms, and they'd just start me then. Since we've got the plan in place for going tonight, we'll stick to that.

So far today, I'm feeling ok. We slept late, all three of us, which was nice. I'm packing and getting the house cleaned up. I just made some lunch, and B is sleeping. Mom should be here in a few to take over Braska duty. The in-laws came by on their way to the airport today, since they're out of town for the next couple days. No, they're not bailing...it was already planned. And I'd pick Florida too over sitting in a waiting room, at this point! They deserve a little trip away, that's for sure.

I don't know the details of how things will go. I don't know the order of happenings as they'll go tonight and tomorrow morning. I'm hoping that by lunch tomorrow, we'll have pics of Kinlee for all to see.

We appreciate your prayers for safety for Kinlee first, relatively painless delivery for me (yay for drugs!!), and a smooth transition to this new era for our little family.

Ole' and Happy Birthday!

Last night, I was treated to a nice dinner and baby-gifting by Adrienne and Julie, a couple DS moms and buds here. We went to Casa Gallardo, always a winner, and had a nice dinner and lots of good chatting and laughs.

But....for the ressssssst of the story...
There we sit, in a little corner of the dining area, with one other table of two women nearby. Otherwise, the immediate area was empty. Julie had carried in a gift bag, pink and pure baby, and it was sitting on the table on my side. We sat and looked at the menu, finally picked what we wanted, and when the waitress--who looked to be a trainee, with a supervising guy behind her--came to take our order, the ladies deferred to me, saying to start with the "pregnant girl." Seems cut and dried. Pink baby gift bag, VERY pregnant me, comment about pregnancy.

We ate our dinner, talked of all kinds of things, caught up on very important issues (tee hee), and then discussed dessert. The waitress and sidekick returned and we gave them the dessert order. We ended up requesting all three things on the menu....flan (Julie), soapapilla (Adrienne), and fried ice cream (me). I said, "Is that too frivolous??" And Adrienne said something like, "Nah, you're having a baby and it's your night!" (paraphrasing) The waitress and caboose walked away. We continued to chat for a few minutes, then out of the kitchen comes the staff, clapping and singing. Ah, it must be a birthday, we thought. They headed up the few steps to our little terrace, and we paused our conversation and looked to the women next to us at the other table, to smile along as they celebrated a birthday.

BUT NO!! The staff surrounded our table, still singing and clapping, and the three of us could have passed out! We all looked totally dazed, glancing at each other with complete confusion. One of the waiters set the ice cream down in front of me, and they finished their song as we began to snicker a little. As they walked away, they said, "Happy Birthday!" and the waiter/tagalong guy said, "Now the question is, are you 24 or 25?" By this time, I'm just shaking my head and grinning in disbelief as Adrienne and Julie are trying not to laugh. I said, "I'm 35," and he smiled and left.

We cracked up. What in the world!?!? No one said a word about a birthday! Not a thing! We just laughed about it as we ate our dessert (which was not free as it's supposed to be for a birthday!!!) and kept shaking our heads the rest of the evening. What a weird deal!

I thought maybe it would be a cool sign that it was Kinlee's birthday...that she was on her way then, but no dice.

So yeah, happy (extra) birthday to me! Thanks, girls!

Today's OB visit

I didn't even have to beg. She was ready for me to make my requests for an induction date, so she was all prepared. The options were Saturday or Monday... I picked Saturday, no surprise, but the hospital preferred Monday, so we go in Sun night to get things going, hopefully deliver Monday morning. That's the plan.

Unless she decides to show up sooner...which is also ok. I'm headed out now to have dinner with a couple pals...mexican. Maybe I can spice Kinlee out of there.

For y'all detail people...

Yeah, that's right... I said y'all. I was raised in Texas and Arkansas with a little Kentucky thrown in there... it's who I am. (Be glad I resisted the "you'uns" of Southern Illinois...ick, never could stand that one.)

Ok, since there seems to be a feeling of left-out-ness for a few of you who like more details on the pregnancy, I'll make an attempt. The rest of you can go make your next Scrabble move on Facebook or something.

~I will be 40 weeks on Friday, according to my schedule. According to the OB's schedule, I'll be 39 weeks tomorrow. According to the MFM's schedule, I'll be 39 weeks on Monday. Confusing enough? The bottom line is the math for their schedules just plain doesn't work. Just trust me on that one.

~I go to the OB again tomorrow afternoon, so we'll see. She has previously told me that she would be ok with scheduling an induction for Monday the 9th if I got this far with nothing happening, so that's what I'm gonna be reminding her of and planning on. We can hope things happen before then, but if not, I'm done waiting!

~This weekend I had a few days of more consistent contractions, some periods of a few hours at a time making it seem we were on our way, but nothing continuing regularly. Then the last couple days I've not had any again. So who knows... I'm not all that uncomfortable today, so that part is good. Kinlee's moving some, though understandably less since she's about out of room. I will feel better though when I can actually see her, though.

~Otherwise, as far as "progressing," yes, there has been dilation, though very little, and yes, there has been effacement, about 50% there. She's positioned where she should be and is "on the way" so we're in good shape, just waiting for the next step.

~And no, my bag is still not packed. M said today I need to do it. I suppose so.

~I've had about everything under the sun suggested to try to get labor started.... some of you are WAY more brave than I am! For now, we wait and pray. And we keep trying to convince her to help out a little!

Val Day Bloggy Winners--Done and up!

The three blogs that won makeovers are now complete. So if you haven't gone to see what they chose and how it all came out, drop by and check them out.

The links for the three blogs are
Jen (Schuster Family Shenanigans)
Terri (Believing in Miracles)
Brigette (Van Nice Family Journey)

More info on how these are done for those of you who are interested will be coming in the weeks ahead. It's not rocket science... but it is a bit addicting.

7 pm and all is well

... well, that is, if you are in the crowd that chose later than today for Kinlee's arrival.

It's been a less-than-fun couple of days, not that I'm squirming-ly uncomfortable, but in that Braska is a snot machine (again, I don't know how you do it--those of you who have to deal with this alot!) and M stayed home from work yesterday sick, slept all day except for when he needed meds and food, and I had the joy of tending to them both. Today, he went to work, but slept at lunch and went to bed as soon as he got home. I guess it's good that we're not in labor at this point, but still. I keep wondering if I get days off ever again... like the real kind. Like when you just do stuff you WANT to do all day. Oh well, my days aren't all that bad, just wondering...

And yes, I know it's gonna get worse before it gets better as far as peaceful and enjoyable, happy, fun days go. I'm not *totally* crazy.

Still, I'm just weary of this waiting phase. I'm no good at waiting. If I know something is coming up, I want it to get here and get done so I can move on to the next thing.

For now, I am snot-wiper, medicine-giver, toddler-feeder-and-chaser, husband-tender, and, as always, house-straightener. At least I've got something to pass the time, right??

So if you made a guess and it's past already, feel free to re-up.

Oh, and I'm not one to "try" a variety of things to get this action going, but anyone have a particular something they think pressed the last button and sent them into labor? Might as well share fun stories while I wait!

Welcome to February

Yes, I can't believe it either, but January's gone. I'm still pregnant, but I have hope at this point that every day is my last day in this particular state of being... let's get going, Kinlee!!!


The new backgrounds are up here and on Braska's blog, so peek in, you reader readers!

Also, two of the Valentine Makeover winners, Brigette and Jen, have theirs up already... yeah, that's right, I'm that quick! (Terri...drop me a line!!) Plus, I also had time to do one last night during the game for Cheryl. No, she didn't win in the drawing, but she's practically family (officially, one of these days!) so I did a quick one after she picked out her choices.

As far as those of you who have asked for tutorials, I do plan to do a little series to share the inside info, but probably not til March if I'm being truthful. It's not all that hard or anything, but it can be time consuming. FYI--to start, it's nice if you have Adobe Photoshop Elements 7. So check into that if you're seriously interested. It's not cheap, but it does alot. I'm sure there are other programs that can do it, but that seems to be the most common one when dealing with building with layers and communicating with HTML.

So go see the blogs to see how cute their visions came out... they all picked their kits, colors, pics, and had the last say on design. I think they all turned out well, even though they are all different. Plus, they're all super neat people, so go say hi!