Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Grumpy about being sick. Sick of being grumpy.

kikigrumpy

This is the face I get from KiKi MOST of the time lately. --->

And no, it’s not fun when it’s as common as it’s become. I don’t know if it’s just a 2-year-old phase or if there’s something wrong physically or if she is just struggling more with our schedule adjustments and my working most nights/weekends.

But—all cute kid, “terrible twos,” and drama queen comments aside—it is truly wearing on me. Now that I think about it, she’s probably getting that face from me a lot, too. Which came first….chicken or egg…

I’ve been sick now for 6 days. Braska is still sick, day 7. Though all of us are some better, Braska and I are still coughing up all kinds of grossness, having much less energy than usual.

I know that for my part, I feel like I’m going to truly lose my mind.

It’s not just the sick, though that clearly hinders my ability to take things on with my normal resolve and determination, but the combination of factors that “just happen” to be in place right now is really wearing on me.

Work is frustrating, mostly in the fact that I have to HAVE the job in the first place. I feel like it has upset the apple cart of my life and routine. Though I have always been lacking in some areas of life, I am not successful at any area of life right now, and that is SO SO hard for me to deal with. I’m a firm believer in the truth that all things will be brought together for good, and I know I can’t see the big picture, but right now, it’s a really hard thing for me to not just throw in the towel and refuse to even get out of bed.

M and I are not great at communicating with each other, to make a gross understatement, and with us meeting in the driveway as he gets home and I leave for work… it’s not really helping create closeness or security. That, in itself, rocks my foundations.

Braska’s teeth grinding is at an all time high over about the last 2 weeks. I don’t talk about this a lot, but it’s something that really drives me nuts. She grinds constantly, literally 90% of her waking hours lately. At least. And it’s loud, just ask family and friends who have experienced it. (“Holy cow! Is that her TEETH making that sound?!?” “Doesn’t she ever stop?”)

Kinlee’s constant whining, crying, and refusing to cooperate with any part of our daily schedule is just pushing me over the edge. No matter what she is offered, she doesn’t want it. When she asks for something, I get it for her, then she collapses into tears and refuses to take/eat it. Right now it’s 9:02 am and she’s been up for 2 hours. She has completely refused to eat or drink anything, but keeps asking for breakfast. Any option is refused though. Just now I had to blow my nose, she is on the other side of the room and immediately yelled, “Stop blowing your nose! You can’t blow your nose!” There’s no rhyme or reason to it, but after hours on end, it’s grating. In a few seconds, she will be giggling about something, and then a millisecond after that, in a pile on the floor crying because her sister walked by her too quickly. It’s not that there are no pleasant times, but it is impossible to know how long it will last or when the next one might show up. Exhausting.

Another little example… now she’s singing, “Jesus loves me.” It’s adorable. But I looked up at her to smile and nod, and she said, “You can’t say ‘Yeah!’ Don’t look at me!” I looked back down and she continued sweetly.

She doesn’t want to get dressed, she doesn’t want to get in the car, then she whines because we’re home and it’s time to get OUT of the car. She wants to go to the store, but then she freaks out when it’s time to go in. She doesn’t want to go to bed, she wants to read a book. But when we read a book, she doesn’t want Braska to watch. So we read the book alone, but then she’s mad because Braska is playing with something else. She wants to go to the Y but when we get there, she flips out and won’t go in without a fit.

Then there will be little moments of pure fun, sweet little super-smart 2-year-old fun. Conversations that crack me up and interactions that I’d love to have on video.

But they are suddenly far less rare than the drama, the whining. I realize I have nothing fair to compare this to since Braska’s about as agreeable as they come, but wow… I feel like I cannot do anything right for this child.

I always feel like I have to acknowledge, when I pause from the optimistic to be honestly open about struggles, that I know this isn’t life-threatening or earth shaking. But I can say in all truth that whatever these factors are that come together in the spheres I live in right now are making me feel completely out of control, and it’s making me really disgusted by the mom, wife, and person who is walking around in my skin these last few weeks. Such a lonely feeling…

Yesterday all three of us girls were in the recliner crying at the same time, Kinlee for who-knows-why, Braska because Kinlee was crying, and me because I couldn’t think straight and tears just came. I was praying outloud, thanking God for my girls but pleading with him to help me be a better mom to them right now, because I’m on my last nerve. What a strange mix.

So forgive me please for not being my usual “glass half full” self. There’s not really anything that anyone outside our home can do to help, and several have offered, which I appreciate. (Unless you suddenly want to sponsor a family for a few hundred dollars a month.) God is good, all the time. Even when I feel like this and question why I have been set down in this particular moment in time. We will survive and learn from all things, but I’m sure praying that there is a time of peace soon to come for a little reprieve. Feel free to join me in that prayer and any others you want to offer on our family’s behalf.

To end on an up note: There have been positive things happening lately, so as I have a chance, I’ll share those, too. Swimming lessons, DS conferences, encouraging friends. We are blessed. Good and bad circumstances notwithstanding.

Edited to add---We managed to get to Aldi for WAY overdue shopping without meltdown. Praise God!

11 comments:

  1. Our life is in complete chaos right now too with adding the 3rd to the mix, I too, feel like I am not doing well at any one thing, just trying to keep all the balls up in the air and barely getting by. This season of life is tough, but you are a great momma and you will get through it and I will too :-) You don't always have to be "glass half-full", we all need to vent sometimes :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. RK, I'm praying for you - and your family. Praying you all get better soon. I don't think I have anything to offer, other than my friendship and prayers. ((Hugs to you!))

    ReplyDelete
  3. Life is complicated, much like the weather. There is no rhyme nor reason why rain falls days on end, or a tornado strikes, or sunny days bring tulips. But we don't get a choice. We have to live through it. You of course are always in our prayers and I hope you weather this storm, as you have done so many times before.

    But, and maybe this is the bad grandma part, I loved the story of Kiki's freak behavior. This too will pass, when she understands her feelings a little better. In the meantime just call her Kiki Hyde.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes with the morning." I'm praying that it's 11:55 p.m. and "morning" is on the horizion. Love you and pray everyone is feeling better real soon. Health has way of making everything look better.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love ya RK! Let me know what I can do to help..besides prayers! And, remember, this too shall pass.

    ReplyDelete
  6. So sorry friend. You know I've been there too. And just as quickly as you feel like your slipping under quick sand you will feel the firm ground beneath your feet and take off running again.

    I know you are a very good mom. And I will tell you that KiKi is not off the norm and nothing I'm about to say is news to you, but sometimes you just need the encouragement that you're on the right track:

    She loves the control - she's super smart and therefore probably super perfectionistic. (Is that a word?? :) But don't let her call the shots. Tell her that she can't speak to people that way. She can't control what others get to do and say. Put her somewhere by herself if she's acting ugly and tell her she can join the rest of you again when she can be sweet and kind. Etc, etc. You know the drill.

    Most of all I will be praying for finances, good health and a wealth of wisdom for you all. The moment our basement is done, you all are coming for a visit!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ugh! So sorry you are feeling so down. I was in a similar spot not long ago. It seemed like once I went back to work, the kids were sick every single week. I felt torn, sad, confused, and exhausted.

    I hope you all start to feel better soon! Lots of love!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm sorry you guys are having such a rough time. Before Goldie, when my oldest were 5 and 2, I took a part time job. We did the "tag your it " parenting and it is hard. I think cell phones may have saved our marriage. My then two year old had a tough time with the adjustment. I even had to re-potty train her after the first summer I worked. She was very whiny, too. (still can be!) It will get better, yhe sickness will pass and the kids will get used to the new routine. Btw, my dh an I also used to email each other. Not ideal, but whatever it takes.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'll be up there Saturday afternoon, if you want me to relieve you of 2 girls for a few days. That next week of the 12th is fairly free before I head to Oil Belt.

    ReplyDelete
  10. If you need a break, throw her in the van and bring her here. Then you and I can sneak out for a QT run! We can leave her with Ty - he'll love it!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I have felt much the same way with Kayla and Lucas. Kayla was always easy, agreeable, didn't really have 'opinions' just went along with the flow. We always said that SHE had us spoiled and we were in for a shock with Lucas. Totally different. He has definite opinions about everything. The 2s were really hard with him. I would never know what it was that was going to set him off. He would be fine, in a great mood, and then all of a sudden some little thing would happen to cause a meltdown. Every morning I used to hope/pray that we could just get through the day without a meltdown. It was hard. It does get better though. The 3s haven't been as hard. Not to say the meltdowns don't still happen, they do, but he seems more reasonable. They don't seem to last as long, nor as loud, and come fewer and farther between. But he still cries easily if he feels he's been wronged (Kayla was never a crier.) Just today we were downstairs (I gave them a bath in my 'big' tub) and forgot his shorts upstairs. Kayla was finished dressing and went up to his room, on her own, to get him a pair of shorts. When she brought them back down I praised her for being a big helper. His face fell, the lip poked out, "I want to get my OWN shorts!" and the tears started. He proceeded to carry the shorts back upstairs to put them on up there so it was like 'he' got them himself. It is frustrating. And tiring. Sorry for the long reply, just trying to empathize :)

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for commenting!! I only ask that we all keep it positive, respectful, and clean. Comment moderation is on for now. (As this is my blog, I reserve the right to delete any comment I deem inappropriate for any reason.) If you use the anonymous option, be sure to sign your name. Thanks!!

Make it a great day!!