Grumpy about being sick. Sick of being grumpy.

This is the face I get from KiKi MOST of the time lately. --->

And no, it’s not fun when it’s as common as it’s become. I don’t know if it’s just a 2-year-old phase or if there’s something wrong physically or if she is just struggling more with our schedule adjustments and my working most nights/weekends.

But—all cute kid, “terrible twos,” and drama queen comments aside—it is truly wearing on me. Now that I think about it, she’s probably getting that face from me a lot, too. Which came first….chicken or egg…

I’ve been sick now for 6 days. Braska is still sick, day 7. Though all of us are some better, Braska and I are still coughing up all kinds of grossness, having much less energy than usual.

I know that for my part, I feel like I’m going to truly lose my mind.

It’s not just the sick, though that clearly hinders my ability to take things on with my normal resolve and determination, but the combination of factors that “just happen” to be in place right now is really wearing on me.

Work is frustrating, mostly in the fact that I have to HAVE the job in the first place. I feel like it has upset the apple cart of my life and routine. Though I have always been lacking in some areas of life, I am not successful at any area of life right now, and that is SO SO hard for me to deal with. I’m a firm believer in the truth that all things will be brought together for good, and I know I can’t see the big picture, but right now, it’s a really hard thing for me to not just throw in the towel and refuse to even get out of bed.

M and I are not great at communicating with each other, to make a gross understatement, and with us meeting in the driveway as he gets home and I leave for work… it’s not really helping create closeness or security. That, in itself, rocks my foundations.

Braska’s teeth grinding is at an all time high over about the last 2 weeks. I don’t talk about this a lot, but it’s something that really drives me nuts. She grinds constantly, literally 90% of her waking hours lately. At least. And it’s loud, just ask family and friends who have experienced it. (“Holy cow! Is that her TEETH making that sound?!?” “Doesn’t she ever stop?”)

Kinlee’s constant whining, crying, and refusing to cooperate with any part of our daily schedule is just pushing me over the edge. No matter what she is offered, she doesn’t want it. When she asks for something, I get it for her, then she collapses into tears and refuses to take/eat it. Right now it’s 9:02 am and she’s been up for 2 hours. She has completely refused to eat or drink anything, but keeps asking for breakfast. Any option is refused though. Just now I had to blow my nose, she is on the other side of the room and immediately yelled, “Stop blowing your nose! You can’t blow your nose!” There’s no rhyme or reason to it, but after hours on end, it’s grating. In a few seconds, she will be giggling about something, and then a millisecond after that, in a pile on the floor crying because her sister walked by her too quickly. It’s not that there are no pleasant times, but it is impossible to know how long it will last or when the next one might show up. Exhausting.

Another little example… now she’s singing, “Jesus loves me.” It’s adorable. But I looked up at her to smile and nod, and she said, “You can’t say ‘Yeah!’ Don’t look at me!” I looked back down and she continued sweetly.

She doesn’t want to get dressed, she doesn’t want to get in the car, then she whines because we’re home and it’s time to get OUT of the car. She wants to go to the store, but then she freaks out when it’s time to go in. She doesn’t want to go to bed, she wants to read a book. But when we read a book, she doesn’t want Braska to watch. So we read the book alone, but then she’s mad because Braska is playing with something else. She wants to go to the Y but when we get there, she flips out and won’t go in without a fit.

Then there will be little moments of pure fun, sweet little super-smart 2-year-old fun. Conversations that crack me up and interactions that I’d love to have on video.

But they are suddenly far less rare than the drama, the whining. I realize I have nothing fair to compare this to since Braska’s about as agreeable as they come, but wow… I feel like I cannot do anything right for this child.

I always feel like I have to acknowledge, when I pause from the optimistic to be honestly open about struggles, that I know this isn’t life-threatening or earth shaking. But I can say in all truth that whatever these factors are that come together in the spheres I live in right now are making me feel completely out of control, and it’s making me really disgusted by the mom, wife, and person who is walking around in my skin these last few weeks. Such a lonely feeling…

Yesterday all three of us girls were in the recliner crying at the same time, Kinlee for who-knows-why, Braska because Kinlee was crying, and me because I couldn’t think straight and tears just came. I was praying outloud, thanking God for my girls but pleading with him to help me be a better mom to them right now, because I’m on my last nerve. What a strange mix.

So forgive me please for not being my usual “glass half full” self. There’s not really anything that anyone outside our home can do to help, and several have offered, which I appreciate. (Unless you suddenly want to sponsor a family for a few hundred dollars a month.) God is good, all the time. Even when I feel like this and question why I have been set down in this particular moment in time. We will survive and learn from all things, but I’m sure praying that there is a time of peace soon to come for a little reprieve. Feel free to join me in that prayer and any others you want to offer on our family’s behalf.

To end on an up note: There have been positive things happening lately, so as I have a chance, I’ll share those, too. Swimming lessons, DS conferences, encouraging friends. We are blessed. Good and bad circumstances notwithstanding.

Edited to add---We managed to get to Aldi for WAY overdue shopping without meltdown. Praise God!